Five Tips To Help Build Your Confidence.

 Dear Reader,

Let's talk Confidence.

They say that Confidence is sexy and attractive and that Confidence is largely not limited to physical or non-physical attributes. While it is classified as Nontangible, confidence emanates. It can be seen and felt at the same time.

While True, confidence is all of these, do you know that more often than not, confidence or the lack of it is tilted toward the lack of physical attributes? Regular people lack confidence because they have big boobs or they are considered short, or they have a bulging tummy ...

 The list is endless.

Let me tell you a story about myself. I am a big girl. Always have been a big girl. I try as much as I can to stay under size 14 with diets and physical exercise. Sometimes I let go and I shoot to 18 and then I try to go down again and the cycle continues. 

One thing I have observed over the years, even at age 14 and under is even at my lowest, I still didn't feel confident. I was busy overthinking everything and swallowing my opinions because I didn't want to draw unnecessary attention to myself. 

Why didn't I want the attention? Well if your guess was because I was uncomfortable in my skin then you are right. Apparently, the size wasn't the actual issue because if it was then confidence had to come with being lighter but even that didn't solve the problem. And so this went on for years especially after I could no longer work out due to a health challenge. 

Very recently, something happened to me that completely changed the way I think and improved my confidence. I was at a Christian meeting and the prophet called me out and gave me a word. He said to me" Daughter I call you beautiful".  That Phrase left me dumbfounded and excited at the same time. I had never felt so loved in my entire life.  Here I  was struggling with body image issues and here is Abba announcing to the world that my issues were irrelevant because to him, I was beautiful. Imagine the tears of acceptance and love that I cried.  All I could think was; he calls me beautiful, weight regardless.

Now you would think that after this encounter my confidence level will be 1000% but I still struggle especially in the area of receiving compliments and affection. I am not there yet but we are making progress. 

I know you are wondering why I took the time to tell you this story, well I wanted you to know that even though I know Confidence is an aura that announces me even before I show up.  I still struggle. 

This is why I am not here to tell you about five things I read on the internet on how to build confidence.  I want to tell you 5 things that have worked for me and still do.

 My main area of struggle is around receiving male attention. When I meet men, I don't immediately think I am desirable to them. I just assume that they want nothing to do with me and so I can't handle it if they compliment me or even want to get to know me. 

This lack of confidence might be one of the reasons why I am single.  The keyword is might.

Below are  5 things that have helped me get to where I am now.

 I am still putting in the work but here are a few pointers.

 1. Change your Mindset.

 People generally perceive you how you perceive yourself. 

 If you don't project the aura that confidence brings with it, people will treat you like you are nothing. If you give off I know my worth vibes, people will treat you with respect. For me, this meant that stepping into any room I zeroed in on my mental prowess and not my physical attributes. This made me deliver presentations with ease because I was brandishing something that made me feel powerful. If I had applied this to my love life I'm sure I would have also made progress in that area. Fortunately, I am doing that now and it's helping me build confidence enough to receive compliments and attention from the opposite sex and not miss my steps. 

In life, you win the mental battle before you win physically. So let's start working on the mind, shall we?

Action Point: Begin today to change how you perceive yourself and watch your confidence level receive a booster.

2. Do A Self-Audit.

Do a detailed SWOT Analysis on yourself.

Can you remember where you first got the idea about your physical or non-physical attributes that made you lose your confidence? 

Try retracing your steps to where it all began and then work your way up. For example, my size and society's view of people who look like me is the greatest challenge I have with confidence. 

So, I began to look at myself in the mirror and say their loss. if all they see is size then they don't deserve you. Then I went from there to say you are a beautiful baby girl, then I graduated to saying you are desirable all this while looking into the mirror. This became a routine for when I was dressing up every morning to work.

 It took a while to be able to say these words but I did because I recognized where it all began and tried to work my way up.

Action Point: Take a trip down memory lane and then start making corrections and work your way up.

3. Focus on Your Strengths.

I mentioned earlier that I didn't have issues with official presentations and that I took command of every official meeting room I stepped into. Well, the reason is that I understood that  I am very intelligent and I am good at what I do. 

So, this awareness gave me some sort of superpower, and though I couldn't receive compliments or think myself worthy to date, certain men, I speak to them about business and literally blow their business minds away or so I thought. 

This made me feel special and command so much authority at work and in business. The mistake I made was I didn't apply this to every area of my life.

Action Point: Make a list of your strengths and then bask in and develop them.

4. Change your Physique/Dress Sense.

If you don't like how you look and it is within your power, then change it.

 I got personal trainers and registered at the Gym. I also worked on my diet and was sure to adhere strictly. 

While I am almost at  20 now, once I sort out my health I will work on the rest. 

Dear reader, You have the power to change what you do not like and accept what you can't change.

Please use that power. it will solve at least 60% of the problem or 100% if you combine it with everything we have discussed today.

Action Point: Make a move to start working on everything that needs working on.

5. Love Yourself.

This is the Ultimate. 

Fall in love with yourself. Fall in love with your imperfections, your strengths, weaknesses, high points, and low points. Celebrate yourself. Consider God's love for you and know that you are worth it.

Stop loathing yourself and beating yourself up over small/ Big mistakes. Focus on God's love for you and let that change the way you see yourself.

God's message to me changed my perspective even deeper. Let that be your story.

Action point: be intentional about loving yourself.

So, do these work? Let's talk in the comments. Remember we are being as human as the internet allows. 

If you need to talk, I am here.

In the meantime,have Fun!

Ujay Unphiltered

Netflix's From Scratch: Lessons On Grief and Moving On

Dear Reader,

So, From Scratch on Netflix. OMG!!

Have you seen it? Well, if you haven't, I’m sorry because there will be some spoilers in this article. But if you have seen it, then let's talk.

What was this emotional roller coaster? I mean healthy one day, dead the next? My God!!!

Well, let me tell you how I felt and share a few lessons I took from Lisa on grief.

People all over the globe are hanging to hope by a thread because they are probably out of tears or out of chances.

If you are struggling with grief at this time, my condolences to you. I may not understand what you're going through or your relationship with your lost loved one, but I have a few pointers to help you grieve.

1. Let Go Of The Anger, The Guilt, The Feeling Of Helplessness And Hopelessness. Just Rid Yourself Of All Negative Emotions.

While this might not be as easy as it sounds, you need to struggle to do it. Blaming yourself is not going to bring back your loved one. It will only fill you with feelings of resentment towards yourself that will lead to bigger problems in the future.

Yes, there's no hope of seeing them again, hugging them, loving them, etc., but don't allow those emotions of helplessness and hopelessness to consume you. The adverse effect is your life will stand still when you need to move on and be with those who are still here.

In some cases, when you lose a spouse, you might need to be strong for children or other family members that you shared the spouse with. Letting hopelessness and helplessness consume you puts you in a mental space where you can't even function let alone be there to help others who need your help with processing their grief.

I must warn you that this doesn't mean that you deny yourself the opportunity to let it out and just hold in how you're feeling. This means you feel the emotions but you don't let them overwhelm you.

Action Point: Feel the emotions, and be in touch with them but don't let them define your thoughts and actions.

2. Allow Yourself To Be In The Present; Take It One Day At A Time

Sometimes, people develop coping mechanisms by disappearing mentally and emotionally when they are grieving. The challenge with that is you resent yourself much later because you start feeling like you didn't properly grieve and then proceed to breed feelings of self-loathing, and guilt, and open doors that you don't want to go through.

I will suggest that you be physically, emotionally, and mentally present during the time when you're grieving, planning the burial ceremony, talking to children, receiving guests, etc.

You might be in pain but be there, and listen to them talk about times shared with the deceased, fun times, sad times, etc. Be there.

Then take it one day at a time. Thinking far into the future will produce feelings of dejection and hopelessness especially since at the time all you see is darkness.

I agree it will be tough but just take it one day at a time. You will never be able to replace them or live without them but you will learn to cope and that doesn't happen in one day.

Action Point: Realise that this is not the end. It might look like the end but it is not the end. Resolve to just put one foot in front of the other and see how it goes.

3. Ask for and receive help

There’s a kind of silence that grief brings. It’s the kind where people expect you to say what you need, but your lips feel too heavy to move. Your chest is full, your eyes are swollen, and yet somehow, people still expect you to lead the way.

In From Scratch, when Lino died, Lisa didn’t even know how to be. She stood in that kitchen, unable to breathe, lost in the aroma of a life that used to be. Her friends and family didn’t wait for her to ask. They came. They stayed. They fed her. They held her when she broke down on the stairs.

Sometimes help won’t knock. You’ll have to open your mouth and ask. That doesn’t make you weak. That makes you human.

Grief is not meant to be carried alone.

Action Point: Reach out to one person today. Tell them what you need, even if it’s just someone to sit in silence with you. You don't have to be strong right now. You just need to be honest.

4. Remove negative words from your vocabulary

Grief already speaks loud. Don’t give it a mic. Don’t let your tongue become the weapon that turns pain into permanence.

You’ll feel tempted to say things like “I’m finished” or “There’s no point anymore.” But that’s not the truth. That’s your wound talking. And if you don’t check it, those words will harden into your belief system.

In From Scratch, Lisa never said she was done. She cried, she collapsed, she questioned. But she never buried herself alongside her husband. Even in pain, her words reached for life. That’s what you must do. That’s how you survive.

Let your mouth fight for your soul.

Action Point: Pause every time you want to say something negative about yourself or your future. Say something gentle instead. You don’t have to fake joy, but you must refuse to curse your tomorrow.

5. Realise That The Show Must Go OnThis part will sting. Life doesn’t stop when someone dies. The world keeps spinning. The light still comes through the window. People still say good morning. It almost feels cruel.

But the truth is, life’s consistency is also its kindness. It forces you to live. To move. To eat. To shower. To show up.

Lisa still had to raise her daughter. She still had to sign documents. She still had to be seen when all she wanted was to disappear into grief. She didn’t pretend to be okay. She just kept showing up.

So must you. It’s not betrayal. It’s survival.

Action Point: Pick one small thing to do today, even if it’s just brushing your teeth or warming leftover soup. Let your body remember that you are still here.

6. Build community

There’s a sacredness in shared grief. That final scene, where Lisa and her loved ones planted vines in Lino’s memory, wasn’t just a tribute. It was healing in action. They laughed. They cried. They remembered. Together.

You need that too. You may think isolating yourself will protect you, but grief grows darker in silence. It becomes a shadow that wraps around your soul.

Let people in. Let them talk about your loved one. Let them cry with you. Let them bring food you didn’t ask for. Don’t resist the gift of community. It is God's way of holding you through people.

Action Point: Don’t cancel that call. Don’t ignore that knock. Grief may need solitude, but it cannot thrive in isolation. Let yourself be seen.

7. Depend on God

There are places in grief no therapist, friend, or journal can reach. Only God can touch those wounds. The ones that feel like holes. The ones that make you question everything.

God is not offended by your tears. He’s not shocked by your silence. He’s not tired of your questions.

In From Scratch, Lisa sat in silence so many times. No prayers. No affirmations. Just deep sorrow. And somehow, she was still held.

That’s what God does. He holds.

You don’t need to pray a perfect prayer. You just need to whisper, “Lord, I don’t know what to do.” That’s enough. He hears that.

Action Point: Don’t force the words. Just be in His presence today. Play worship. Sit quietly. Cry if you need to. Let God carry what you can’t.

I hope this article has helped you in some way. If you are reading this and you have advice to offer, please drop it in the comments.

 Your words may just be soothing someone who is in dire need of comfort. 

As I said earlier, I may not know you, but I feel you and I want you to know that this, too, will pass. 

Here's What we are going to discuss on this Hope and Encouragement Blog. Are you still Interested ?

 Dear reader,

I have been sitting on this blog for a very long time with some sort of block and not being able to communicate with you through my words. Thank God that is over.

If you've never heard of me before, My name is Chinny Uju Nwokedi A.K.A Ujay Unphiltered. 

I have been writing for a long time and I have a book and several blog articles to my name. However, I am starting afresh because I want to be more personal with my readers. I  want to share parts of my life that I would ordinarily not share on social media with you on this blog.

Bear in mind that, while this blog is dedicated to bringing you all shades of hope and encouragement, It will be through my lenses and founded on the scriptures and God's word. 

We will experience God together, grow together, cry together, smile together, laugh together, and celebrate physical, spiritual and mental milestones together.

It will be as interactive and human as the internet permits.

So, if you are interested in this sort of content, then welcome on board.

Let the journey begin.

I will be posting my first post in a few minutes and it is something you will enjoy reading so hopefully I hear your takes too.

Have Fun!

Ujay Unphiltered